


Advice

by Starwolf69



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angelic sex therapist, Aziraphale likes to help, Crowley can be a butt, Multi, Nonbinary Beelzebub (Good Omens), Relationship Advice, Victorian slang for sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:28:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22687003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starwolf69/pseuds/Starwolf69
Summary: Aziraphale and Crowley are visited by Beelzebub who has questions.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 91





	Advice

**Author's Note:**

> My first non-Wiggleverse fic. 
> 
> Ruth Buzzy was a comedianne in the 1970's. Yeah. I'm old.

Aziraphale caught the scent of sulphur as he was rearranging some books on ancient magical crafting. He turned slowly and was met with Beelzebub standing behind him. He subconsciously took a step away from the Prince of Hell. He hoped Crowley felt the disturbance in the aether and the wards and came to protect him. 

“L-Lord Beelzebub,” he said, a slight tremor in his voice. “To what do I owe this unexpected . . . pleasure?”

The Prince of Hell made a few random noises, very reminiscent of the ones Crowley made when he was flustered. Aziraphale cocked his head to one side, waiting for an answer. Beelzebub swallowed a few times and cleared zir throat. 

“I . . . I wanted to speak to you . . . to you and the demon Crowley about . . . about . . . things,” ze stammered, hands trembling.

“Oh, my dear,” Aziraphale said stepping forward and offering his arm. “Let’s have a seat, shall we?”

Beelzebub allowed zirself to be led to a small settee. Ze sat, knees pressed together, hands on zir thighs. Aziraphale sat next to zir, not too close, but very curious as to why the demon prince had just shown up. The front door of the bookshop opened. Aziraphale knew Crowley’s footsteps as he came to where he and Beelzebub were sitting.

“You!” Crowley hissed. “What . . . Why . . . Angel?”

Aziraphale shrugged. It was silent for a few moments until Aziraphale murmured, “Crowley, darling, why don’t you make us some tea? Lord Beelzebub? Tea?”

Beelzebub nodded silently, studying zir feet. Crowley shot Aziraphale a questioning look which was met again by a tiny shrug. The demon went to the kitchen and came back with three mugs of tea. He settled in a chair across the table from the settee. They watched the demon prince sip zir tea. When ze made the tiniest sniffle, Aziraphale gently patted zir hand. Crowley let out a low growl.

“So what do you want?” Crowley asked, a tiny growl still in his voice. 

“I didn’t know who else to talk to,” ze murmured. 

“About what?” Aziraphale gently prodded.

Beelzebub shook zir head. “It’s . . . personal.”

Crowley snorted. “And we are the only beings in the nine realms who can answer whatever is bothering you? If this is a trick . . .”

“Crowley!” Aziraphale hissed. “Clearly there is something wrong! Have some compassion!”

“Ze’s still a demon!” Crowley growled. 

“So are you!” the angel answered. “Lord Beelzebub hasn’t shown any aggression. Now, dear, what can we do for you?”

Beelzebub looked at the angel and squinted a little. “How . . . how does it . . . work with you two?”

Crowley groaned. “Seriously?”

“I have no one else to talk to about these . . . things!” Beelzebub cried. “No one!”

“What about Hastur? Or Dagon?” Crowley suggested.

“You try talking to Hastur about anything serious or sexual. Just the thought of him . . . and Ligur. I’ve had the unfortunate luck to walk past his rooms when they were . . . ugh. And Dagon . . . Dagon has taken up with some succubus from Scotland. Luce and Lilith are back together and are repulsively happy and utterly useless to anyone else.”

“So you came here to bother us?” Crowley growled. 

Aziraphale shot him a look. “You are not a bother, dear. I’m just not sure what we can do to help.”

“Angel, when did you become the sex therapist to heaven and hell?” Crowley sneered.

Beelzebub studied zir hands. “I shouldn’t have come.”

“Nonsense, Aziraphale said gently. “Crowley is just being Crowley. Now, we can’t help if we don’t know the problem.”

“Gabriel,” Beelzebub moaned. “Gabriel is the problem.”

“Is he bothering you?” Aziraphale asked.

“Yes . . . no . . . I don’t know,” ze sighed. “He’s very annoying and not very bright. I’ve been stuck working with him a lot and he . . . he comes to my office and just sits there, staring at me while I work. We've had coffee together and lunch. I have . . . grown accustomed to him being around. And I don’t know if I like it or not.”

Aziraphale nodded. “Have you talked to him about this issue? Or maybe talked to Michael?”

“Michael is an old busy-body,” Beelzebub snorted. “Biggest gossip in heaven or hell.”

“True that,” Crowley muttered. “I thought you and Dagon had a thing going.”

“So did I,” ze said. “But, yeah. Succubus.”

“Can’t compete with that,” Crowley mumbled. “So you’ve decided to go fluffy?”

Beelzebub frowned. “I was hoping you could talk me out of it. The Gabriel thing.”

“Gabriel can be . . . difficult,” Aziraphale began. “But if there are two being that would understand each other, it would be the two of you. Not that you are annoying, but you do similar things . . . professionally, that is. I can understand how you may have developed a sense of camaraderie, but you are thinking it may be more?”

Ze nodded. “And I don’t know if I’m just lonely or if it is something else.”

“Well, we can’t tell you that,” Aziraphale told zir. 

Ze glared at him. “I know that! I just wondered . . . wondered how things work for you two.”

Crowley rolled his eyes and made a circle with his thumb and forefinger of his left hand and moved the forefinger of his right hand in and out of the circle. Beelzebub’s lips tightened as ze gave a withering stare.

“Crowley!” Aziraphale hissed. “Really!”

“Ze asked,” the demon responded. 

Aziraphale grumbled. “I must apologize for him, my dear. Would you prefer just you and me discussing this?”

“No,” Beelzebub answered. “I just . . . I’ve never really felt like this before. Even with Dagon.”

Aziraphale asked, “Can you describe the feeling?”

“I find that I actually look forward him coming to see me. We’ve met for coffee. lunch, and one dinner. We talked long after we were done eating. Sometimes he takes a nap in my office while I’m working,” Beelzebub said. “When he’s not there, I feel kind of . . . empty.”

“Yes, but what do you really feel like?” Crowley asked, lying in the chair, his legs dangling over the arm. “Like inside?”

Beelzebub winced. “Sometimes like I’m going to throw up. Other times I feel all . . . warm and yucky.”

Crowley nodded sagely. “Yep. Sounds like love to me.”

Beelzebub makes a gagging noise. “Are you sure?”

“Well,” Aziraphale began. “We . . . we can’t tell you for sure. But, from what you’ve said, it does sound like you might be, well, fond of Gabriel. Do you know if he feels the same way?”

“Well,” ze said slowly. “He stares at me a lot. And he always holds the door for me when we go out. Sometimes he orders for me. He . . . he thinks Ruth is cute.”

Crowley made a face. Aziraphale looked confused. “Who, dear?”

Beelzebub rolled zir eyes up toward the fly perched on zer head. “Ruth.”

“Your . . . friend is named Ruth?” the angel asked. 

Crowley snickered. “Yeah. Ruth. Ruth Buzzy.”

Aziraphale smiled, completely lost. Crowley groaned. “Never mind, angel. Pop culture reference.”

“What should I do?” Beelzebub groaned loudly. “I can’t . . . I mean, what would we . . . how would this work? We can’t very well . . . you know in my office.”

“Make the beast with two backs?” Aziraphale guessed. “The, ah, horizontal gavotte?”

“Twang the harpstring? Dip the demon?” Crowley offered. "Release the beast?"

“Crowley!” Aziraphale growled. 

“What?”

“You aren’t helping!”

Crowley rolled his eyes. “Have conjugal knowledge of each other?”

Beelzebub nodded. “Can’t very well do it in Hell.”

“Why not?” Crowley asked. “EVERYONE does it is Hell.”

Beelzebub gave him a bored look. “Only those who don’t have actual work to do. I can’t get a minute's peace to have a cup of coffee, let alone time to have . . . to do . . .”

“A good game of hide the banana,” Crowley finished.

“That,” Beelzebub said. “Which is why I’m asking you two. I’m sure that you . . . do things. Where do you go?”

“Crowley and I both have places here,” Aziraphale told zir. “But there are always nice hotels or little country inns. Someplace quiet and private so you two can have some time alone.”

A tiny smile crossed Beelzebub’s face. “So we could meet on Earth.”

Aziraphale nodded. “However, you both need to promise that, while you are here, no work. Just have time for you two to get used to being . . . .”

“In lurvvvvve!” Crowley howled. 

Beelzebub considered the other demon. “You are an idiot. I suppose I should talk to featherbum about a weekend away.”

The demon prince finished zir tea and placed the mug on the coffee table. Ze stood and offered zir hand to Aziraphale. They shook hands, Aziraphale making the demon promise to keep him up-to-date on how it all works out. Beelzebub disappeared, leaving a smoky scent behind. 

“Well that was a thing,” Crowley muttered. 

“I think it is lovely,” Aziraphale said. “Everyone needs someone.”

Crowley grinned. “You’re a soft touch, featherbum. How about I take you to dinner then we can, er . . .”

“Horizontal gavotte?” Aziraphale said with a tiny smile.

“Yeah,” the demon agreed. “Definitely.”


End file.
